Chuckles n Giggles

The Madman's cracked me up recently with these three...

Q. How do you know an auto-mechanic's just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. How do you piss off a female archeologist?
A. Hand her a used tampon and ask her which period it came from.

and my personal favourite...

Q. What is common between spaghetti and girls?
A. They both wiggle and squirm when you eat 'em.

Binomial Expansion... or some such crap

Well I never claimed to be a Math genius. In fact I'd failed a year in college becoz of it.

(*Gasp* nahhiiiiiiiiiii... humne socha ladka acha hai... padha-likha hai....)

While this isn't mine, the important thing is it could have been... we're the same this lad and I... and its not just because we share the same moniker.

Chain kuli ki Mail kuli

Didn't go to the office today coz eating seekh kababs, butter chicken and guzzling beer till 2 am just might leave a feeling of utter Gaaaaaaarrrrhhhhh (this is the medical term for it) when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning. One of those f*ck-it-I'm-staying-home days...

So I was going thru some of my olde mails in my inbox and came across a couple that made me grin thru my State of GAAAAAARRRRRRHHHH. Here being posted for your (and mine) reading pleasure...

Backstory - This chain mail began with The Editor (henceforth to be referred to as Ed) sending a link to a Poem which i really couldn't understand too much of since it was kinda shudh Hindi. So I fire the first of the chain (of emails... are you paying any attention?!?)

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BLACKFAYTH- yo Ed, I think I speak for quite a few people marked on this mail who are quite Hindi-challenged. Pls to provide Eeeengleess translation (I know I know… the “flavour” will be lost etc etc but I only understood Pushp = flower… pls tell me that’s right :o)

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ED - It’s about the wishes of flowers… They are telling us not use them for any sort of decorative or commemorative purposes. Their only wish ever is to be scattered on to the paths on which will/are march/marching those fearless soldiers who guard the borders of our country, lay down their lives for us and hence keep us safe.
Another meaning is that the flowers want to be on paths that are tread by those who are the true fearless guardians of all that is truly good. Not all that is true or good for convenience.
(yeah Ed's quite the patriotic softy)

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SING SING STAR - Why are we translating ? Hindi is our mother tongue and we should all be able to read/write/comprehend it!
MIND IT!

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BLACKFAYTH - Er… Hindi isnt my Mother tongue… its Mallu. Not that I know too much of that anyway… all Bombay-ites know a hybrid form of the national language… its like the Toyota Prius of Hindi – a suitable tongue for the melting pot that is this city. Only we understand it…

Pls to see what I mean from below example:-

Giving directions:-
“A” standing at Pot Pourri wants to know from “X” how to get to Carter road…

A: oh Bhaisaab, yeh Carter road kidhar aaya?
Oh Brother Sir (or the Jamaican variant - Oh Brother maaan) this Carter road where it comes?

X: Yeh saamne wala road pakdo… seedha seedha nikalo… pehla left mein bada garden padega… usko chhod ke seedha jao… aagey jaake doosra garden right pe girta hai… uske Just baad right maaro… bas Carter road saamne… yahan se 222 mein ghuso toh pahunch jaoge tapad tope.
Catch this front-side road… straight straight come out… inside first left big garden will be put…. Leaving that (alt. – f*ck that) go straight… going ahead second garden falls on the right… Just (this is important coz even this dude needs you to know he’s cosmo enough use just that wee bit of the Queen’s language) after that hit right… there’s Carter road in front… from here get inside (Bus no:) 222, then you will be reaching pronto.

Alright so I’m fully faltu and just waiting for 6pm…

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Warning!!! *shameless plug via fan-mail ahead*

SING SING STAR - Pete, if you made that whole thing up on your own… it’s a crime to keep such talent hidden! You are born to be a stand up comedian!

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Warning!!! *more shameless plugging*

MK - Dude you’re recognizing his talent today??? I have been telling him this since forever!!!!
But he’d rather do adsales.

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BLACKFAYTH - *blushing* oh stop now…

Dazed and Confused

Heading home from work today, I felt a lightness that I haven’t felt in a long time now. I had a slight grin on my face through out the ride, which left my cab-sharing colleague a little concerned about my mental state.

Couple of issues in my life have been creating havoc and mentally I am tired... just soooo damn tired. One of them being work... rather my lack of interest in what I have been doing for the past 4 years now in my present company.
S'funny that after 8 years of working in sales in different industries I come to a realization - I really don’t wanna be doing what I do. OK so maybe it isn’t all that funny. Ironic probably would be a better word I suppose. Actually I came to this particular conclusion sometime ago – 4 years ago to be exact (... wait a minute!).

So of course, like any sane individual who has no clue where his career is going, I clamped it down and promptly joined sales in a media company thinking probably the change of industry would be what would cure my ails. 52 months later and I get the distinct feeling that God who’s probably lying sprawled on his Divine Couch (that’s right! It IS called that!) smoking his spliff, slowly wagging his finger going, “Toldja ya maaaaann…”.
Yes I do need to work out my religious issues but c’mon you gotta admit God as a spliff smokin’, dreadlock bearing Rasta would look waaayyy cool.

So why am I grinning like a fool? Coz I told them I’m gonna quit. Its incredible once I did it, the feeling I got. Its all doom and gloom in the work-place these days anyhow what with team changes, new bosses, insufficient hikes and below par incentives. All I could think about was the fact that I was free. That feeling was quickly followed by, “You #*%$ing idiot!! What are you going to do now???”

Still I feel liberated. Maybe it was time to move from this place anyhow. I’ve never been one for making close friends from work but I did make a couple here. Ever since they left, this place hasn’t been the same again. Time to move on… into the unknown once again.

Which reminds me - I haven’t given an interview in four years. Damn! I wonder if they still ask those same bullshit questions – “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” “Sitting in my million dollar apartment overlooking Waikiki and sucking down Mai Tais, thinking about when I wanna take my private jet to the Bellagio to play some high stakes with Daniel, Gus, Phil and the rest of the boys”. Idiota!

And so the hunt begins…

Communication Breakdown

Hey you,

I'm hoping you will read this and understand…

Agonised over speaking to you before you went to Singapore. Been agonizing since you came back. I get the feeling you've been avoiding me as much as I've been avoiding you.
I just wanna say I'm sorry. I tried to be only a friend... I really did. I thought I was strong enough to do it on my own and still be in touch with you, meet you on a regular basis, exchanges sms-es, chat online... But despite everything, everytime we'd meet or speak to each other, there's that irrational side of me that wants something more.
A hope… a wish … that something more will come out of this... something more than friendship. But you'd made things clear and I wish it was as easy as switching it off. But its not. For the time being atleast, I can't be "just friends" with you.

Don't think I don't value what we have. I do… you are a friend. one who has grown very close and far faster than anyone else I've met in the recent past. To such a degree that when I used to initially think about it, it almost made me feel uneasy but then I'd picture that sweet smile, and that totally cute way your chin would quirk when you'd think about something or pester me about stuff, and everything would be OK. So believe me when I say I feel like a complete a**hole telling you that I need to cut myself off. Some weird kinda cold turkey for the drug that is you :) I told you then it was my problem and I will get over you but it wasn't easy doing that while still being in touch. I guess I will get around my feelings for you eventually. But I know, as of right now, I don't want to….

I'm not sure how long it will take... you told me once you'd stop speaking to me if that's what I wanted. And when I asked how you'd feel if I did ask you to, you said cry for a bit and then try and get on with it. I laughed it off then and was all like "are you nuts?? I wouldn't ask something like that of you." I wasn't lying then… but then I didn't think it would be this hard. But now I'm asking it of you… and don't be sad or anything and PLEASE don't cry. I couldn't bear the thought of that…

Wanna know something funny?! You keep bringing back that introverted, tongue-twistedup side of me that I used to be many many years ago… I couldn't bring myself to say all of this to you if you were standing right now in front of me… I don't think I could even bring myself to look into your eyes. You'd keep asking me once in a while why I was looking at you and smiling a secret smile. This is the reason – I just couldn't say anything in those moments. Tongue-tied by the presence of you...

There will come a time when I will get past this. I only ask that you give me a chance to be your friend again then….

xOx


PS - David Gray says it so much better.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EYribhLoPA&feature=related

Dream Police

I haven't been sleeping well over the past two weeks… on most of these nights I have had some weird dreams. Two which stand out are the hoverboard dream and the unknown woman dream.

Hoverboard
It’s a city scene. Feels like Bombay coz I could see/feel the same kind of crowd. I think I’m near a railway station (Churchgate or maybe its V.T) just looking towards the street watching people go up and down heading to work. The thing is they aren’t walking. All of them are on hoverboards… for those who haven’t seen Back to the Future, hoverboards look exactly like skateboards but no wheels, they hover hence err… hoverboards.
Suddenly the view changes. Now I’m seeing things from ground level. Its like as if there’s a tiny camera attached to the board and I’m seeing life thru the eyes of the hoverboard. The view wobbles a bit, I see a foot move over me and I realise we (me the hoverboard and the owner of me) are going somewhere…. Zipping around I see people’s feet… hubcaps… exhaust fumes from cars… potholes…


Woman
There’s a woman on the bed. She is lying on her side… naked… I can see she is asleep. She seems to be at peace as I see the swell of her breast rise and fall with her gentle rhythmic breathing. I can't see her face but she has wonderful hair. There is a fragrance which emanates from her hair (or is it her?!) arousing and serene at the same time. There is someone lying next to her, I think it's me. I keep stroking her arm from her shoulder to her elbow. I move closer to her and spoon with her. My hand slides over from her hip to her belly. Its got just that tiny tiny hint of chubbiness I love. I know I’m smiling in the dream (and in the conscious part of my brain) as I spread my fingers over her belly and draw her ever so close. Experience a feeling of utmost security in that moment. I look over her shoulder and instead of seeing the bedroom walls I see scenes from my life… past… present… future (?!)

I used to have dreamless sleep but in the past couple of years I’ve begun having more and more of them. When I get up in the morning I don’t remember what I’d dreamt about but I know I have had a dream. Strangely enough there have hardly been any nightmares (which I’m thankful for). It's been more like watching random reels of different movies… I’m left with an almost empty feeling the next morning because they invariably leave me hanging… I never seem to get closure.

I’m rarely able to remember my dreams but I did remember these two. Don't know what it was that made them stand out. Maybe someone can interpret them… I read somewhere that while one is conscious if something affects them it usually plays out in their dreams. I’ve had dreams in the past which I try to relate with something I’ve seen or done in the recent past. But the only connect for the hoverboards is Back to the Future which I havent seen in the past few years. I really can’t understand the second dream… can’t think of a connect… even some of the porn I’ve seen recently doesn’t contain any “tender” moments :D

I think I’ll go and renew my friendship with my good buddy Ben A Dryl. Sleep I crave thee desperately… even if it is drug-induced :)

Post title courtesy Cheap Trick - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWt-zxKqK3U
To my mystery dreamgirl - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY-lMhbvhlI

F.R.I.E.N.D.S & Fakers

A couple o nights back I was sitting with a few friends at Land’s End. These would be The Banker, the Miner, the Fund Manager (a.k.a. Madman) and me. Hmmm not quite unlike… “the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker” but we ARE all knaves lol)
The Atrium Lounge is a regular haunt for the Madman and I, but we hadn’t been frequenting it as much as we used to in the past. By the time we were half way thru the evening, we’d decided that this situation must be rectified for the future.

So I’m swigging away at my pint when these guys start off on the stock market and how wild a roller coaster ride its been on lately. Now I’ll be the first to admit that the world of high finance is one that, on good days, confounds the heck out of me. My only interest in it is getting some dope from these well-informed guys and putting away some of my money hoping to strike it rich a few years down the line. As the conversation goes on, I feel like one of the spectators at Wimbledon. Back and forth, financial jargon is being slapped around and I’m just about struggling to keep up with these guys… kind of. Risk-reward scenarios, arbitrage opportunities, P/E ratios, Beta levels, Commodities markets, Hedge funds, Libor…
Game and Set to M/s Financial Wizards.

You might remember an episode from Friends where Penn Jillette guest stars as an encyclopedia salesman from whom Joey buys just the one volume (“V”) coz he had only that much money on him. I really felt that scene where Joey flashes back to the times when his friends are having discussions on various topics and he plays along even though he has absolutely no clue on what they’re going on about. Well I was Joseph Tribiani that evening.
On the one hand I felt like 6 different kinds of dumb, on the other I was quite proud to be friends with these incredibly smart guys. The best part about all of them is they’d never rub this into someone’s face. The Banker very kindly explained to me some of the jargon whenever I looked lost (which was a lot that evening).
As I went home that evening, it struck me that while I will never be a Gordon Gecko, I have become just that little bit smarter by just being a fringe participant to these conversations. I’ve always thought of myself as a Jack-of-all-trades conversation-wise. I know a little bit about many things. Although these things needn't be all that relevant on a day-to-day perspective.
My head’s filled with the most obscure info about the most arbid of things. Like if you listen to Michael Jackson’s Beat It, just before Eddie Van Halen begins that fantastic guitar solo, you’ll hear 6 fairly rapid beats like as if the drummer played the toms. But its actually a studiohand who mistakenly knocked on the door when Eddie was in session. Quincy Jones the producer thought it worked and included it in the final cut of the song. See… obscure like I said… but it makes for a cool story at a party.

I can usually hold my own in a conversation whether I contribute to it or not and I think a large part of that comes from having friends like these.

Quote of the Night:-
After an intense and animated low-down by the Banker to the rest of us regarding certain financial houses and the way they make their money, the Madman lets out a big sigh and goes, “Man, I think I got a chubby.”

Fun Fact:-
Las Vegas is the brightest city when seen from space. (for those of you who know me, me knowing this particular fact shouldn't surprise you lol)