Dear Red...

It's been close to a month since you've left my life and while I might lie to the world, I can't lie to myself. I miss you. There... I said it and I don't fuckin' care who reads this. More than once do I think of you everyday. And then there are those days when I long for you so... so desperately at times it's a touch scary.

It's hard to believe sometimes that our relationship went on for as long as it did. 15 years... Who'd have thought?! I've known of some marriages which haven't lasted for even a third of that time. And the funny thing is when I first saw you all those many years ago outside college, I didn't really think about it much. I never thought of you in that way at all. It was your blonde cousin who had caught my eye and I was smitten. That ended within a few short months and for the life of me, I just cannot remember how you and I got together in the first place. But the important thing is we did and I thought we'd go on... forever.
They say all good things come to an end but I never thought that would happen to us. And yeah in this case, that old cliche holds so true. "It's not you... it's me." But then it was always me, wasn't it?! I was the weak one whereas you were the strong one. 15 years... and yet it was always a physical thing for you. And here I was foolishly thinking it was more than that. That we connected at different levels. Despite my foolishness, I will admit to missing that intensity in our physical relationship and it is something I will struggle with for time to come...

Your constant presence doesn't make it any easier to deal with our parting. After all, we roam in many of the same circles and so many of your friends are friends with mine and many of mine are friends with yours. That's probably gonna be the most fucked up part of it all besides writing that previous sentence. Seeing all of y'all hang out together is going to almost physically hurt me. And it's not just with the group either.. I have seen you with other men and while I never saw it personally there were enough stories about you with women too. Funnily enough, these things didn't matter when we were together. As long as I had you, I didn't care about anyone else. But now... now seeing you with others...
You know I've seen you sometimes at the local store too. And when I do, I just quickly get my stuff and slink out of these as quickly as I can hoping to avoid another sight of you. And I know you've seen me just as I've seen you. But pride... stupid stupid stupid pride will not let me turn back.

You know what the sad thing in all of this is... Because of you I am not sure if I can hang with Mary anymore. And if this parting between us proves to be harder than expected, Mary's occasional company is something that I will really miss. Such a shame but then it comes down to ego. In the past so many years, I told you only a few times, that if this thing between us breaks down it will be because of my pride and ego. And well that hand has finally played out...
But hey... who's to say that this is the end?! Shayad abhi bhi, thodi picture baaki hai mere dost...

PC users - Hit Control + A now.
Mac users - I don't know what the command for y'all is... oh wait my friend a Mac user just called... Hit Command + A now.

BF has been (relatively) smoke free for about a month now and he misses it dammit. There's lots of inferences in the above post (spot em if you can). I just realised I like talking about myself in the 3rd person. Bear with BF through these times and allow him the pleasure of these little hide n seek games which distract him from the cravings. 


Your dreams are not your own

Dear Chris,

What the fuck were you thinking?!!

P.S. - And can I get some of what you're smokin'? Please...?

Just watched Inception last night and Chris Nolan is one twisted guy. I hate revealing anything about good movies so I'm not gonna say much on the plot and whatever else.
Special word on the fight scene in the hotel corridor - This is one of the most compelling bits of action I've seen in a while. The funny thing is when I saw his first Batman, my one gripe was that the close combat scenes were handled very poorly. Nolan has redeemed himself in this particular aspect and how!

This movie, in Ari Gold's words is, "a skull fuck".

Watch it.


You the man, Dad!

ok so the last post was rotting away for a while and I just thought I'd dust it up and put it out there. This brand new post is about whats gone down in the past few weeks.

As my 4 regular readers are aware, I was laid low by ye olde Swine flu for a few days. Apparently my sister picked it up from God-knows-where and then was generous enough to share it with the whole family. The biggest irony of this is that my sis is one of those super paranoid new mothers who wanted to ensure that nothing would make the baal baaka of her precious son, my nephew and so during the Swine flu scare many months ago, would take endless precautions in terms of hygiene and remained housebound for a majority of that time. And sure enough Uncle Murphy comes along to screw things up. So four out of the 5 people in the house at the time are down with the Piggy flu - the only one not affected being Dad.

Being that my sis was in the hospital and then subsequently advised to be in isolation, my nephew was staying with us in the interim. The kid is adorable but like all kids there are times when they get annoying and tiresome. Stop booing! You know I'm right. Despite being away from his mum, I'd say the lil tyke held up remarkably well and I only felt like giving him an ulte haath ka twice in that 2 week period. The monster credit for all this goes to my Dad. At 63, the man is almost exactly twice my age but to see him keep my nephew entertained through all these days would make a younger man, who is almost exactly half his age, quite embarrassed about himself. In many ways the last couple of weeks was an eye opener of what he was like when we were kids. At that age, we of course couldn't remember how he took care of us except for some stray memories. But to see him with my nephew brought back memories from more than 2 decades ago.

He'd play with him, feed him, talk to him, sing silly songs and take him for walks around the building everyday. All those silly songs were usually sung when he'd have to put my nephew to sleep and these are the same songs all of us have heard as kids. There is the odd moment when me or one of my siblings would pass by their room and hear those songs and I know secretly inside we are all smiling and remembering those days of our youth when he'd sing for us too. I remember back in the 80's when we used to stay in the government colony in Bandra East (the non-hip sibling of the Westside which it is even today). Power-cuts were quite frequent in those years in Bombay and I remember many a night when my father would fold up the newspaper and keep the temperature bearable for us by waving it over us right through the night all the while singing those songs.

The songs also take me back to another time. This particular colony we stayed in was located quite close to the notorious Behrampada slums which was a sensitive area back then and to some extent even today. I remember the situation had become particularly tense in 1984 when there were communal riots which took place in Bhiwandi (about 40 kms outside Bombay) and these tensions had spread into areas like Behrampada where the riot police was called in and for a couple of nights everyone staying in a 3 km radius was extremely tense about what would happen if things went out of control. Those few nights were interesting coz the entire family was gathered and sitting on the floor of the living room. As a 6 year old it was interesting only because it meant we were hanging about together at a time when I should be in my room sleeping. Of course it was many years later that I came to know that we spent those evenings and nights sitting on the living room floor to avoid any stone throwing by the rioters or worse stray bullets from the cops.

Anyway back to Pitahshree... I think most kids come to a point in their lives when they realize their father is not the superman they thought him to be. I came to this realization many years ago but every so often he'll pull the odd rabbit out of the hat and stun the hell out of me. There have been so many instances over the year where he's done stuff which any other person would chhati thok ke say, "Yes, I am responsible for such-and-such good thing happening...". But not my dad. I've rarely met someone who chooses to fly as under the radar as he does and in many ways I do the same as well. And therein lies the irony now... from a time when I wanted to be something more and better than the old man, I have in some tiny ways become kind of like him.
A long while ago an ex-colleague of mine and I were drinking one night and he was regaling me with some hilarious stories about his jovial and kinda eccentric dad when he stops in the middle and goes, "Shit man... I've also become just like my father man...". It's like he couldn't believe it and wasn't really sure when exactly he'd started mirroring his dad. I still smile when I remember his slightly baffled expression from that night.

And then I think about what he said in my own context and father and... It's not so bad.
You the man, Dad! :)


To those girls who couldn't keep their hands to themselves

They say I'm not a very emotional kinda guy... (OK so I don't know who 'they' are but I like the fact that they talk about me) and for the longest time they were (are?!?) right. I guess the correct thing to say would be that I am not a very physically demonstrative person when it comes to emotion. Like I know people who dispense hugs like they're going out of fashion but the whole hugging thing took many many years to come to terms with. I think the first time I got properly hugged by a  girl who not a relative I was well into my 20's and if you were to ask bystanders what it looked like, they'd say a tiny smidgen of a girl was sorta molesting a big 6 foot plus dude who had both his arms open and wasn't sure what to do with them.

I figured it might not be a bad idea to bring the hands together and so they did over the years, till a point when a girl hugging me would get comforting pats on the back much like my nephew gets to induce those lil post feed burps. That was a tactic which worked well with the ladies till some drunk night when afore- mentioned patting happened a bit south of the border and was accompanied with the slurry whispers of "Daddy's here". The words didn't matter (or maybe they did a wee bit) but its all in the tone folks. I know this being the killa mc that I now am :)
These days of course I am super comfortable in my own skin to atleast hug my close girl buddies without feeling weird or anything. Like a friend mentioned a long while ago, "You are as big as a bear so make like one and hug me properly!" Yeah... I don't argue when that tone is in play.

I like to analyze why I am the way I am about the hugging thing and it probably goes back to the childhood. Don't get me wrong... the folks were very physically demonstrative with the hugs and kisses (and the odd slap too hah!) when I was a wee lad but all of that stopped once we hit a certain age. And through the years I saw it repeated with my siblings as well. Once we passed the age of 8 or 9 years, no more hugs. Then you go through the formative years without those hugs and add to that studying in an all boys convent setup and then most of your college years in a Muslim college where boys and girls had separate timings and what not and it's not really surprising as to why it took me so long to lose my virginity...

I'd just like to clarify that I'm not emotionally scarred or anything. It is the way it is... For a fair while I was considered anti-social almost because I didn't really interact with the women in the group. The reason being I wasn't sure how to. Let's face it - it's kinda tough when you have weird pre-conceived ideas in your ahead about the opposite sex and so interacting with them becomes something of a mental fight. I'd be too stressed about the whole thing and just chose to shut down and be the strong silent type. Fortunately as the years have gone by I have had the opportunity and pleasure of meeting and befriending some women who are so cool and with whom I can have great conversations and yet be comfortable enough to make stupid bawdy jokes as well.

So this post is for those girls... Those who chose to continue being friends with me... those who saw through the 'strong and silent type' facade and persisted... those that call me almost every other day (even if it is to kill time on their way back home)... those that stay far far away and yet one mention of a distant memory and it feels like it was just yesterday when we met last... those who cook delicious chocolatey delights and then ask me to be the tasting guinea pig... those I don't see for weeks and sometimes months on end and when we eventually do, all that time in between doesn't matter...

To all those girls and for all those hugs... many thanks and much love and respect! 


The One Where Miss Piggy bitchslaps BF

It must be all those Swine flu jokes I cracked in the past.... who knew I'd end up paying for it more than a year later. That's right folks I have just been tested positive for the ole H1N1 virus along with most of the family.

Regular services are expected to resume shortly.

See Australis, told ya it was a doozy! :D