Dear Red...

It's been close to a month since you've left my life and while I might lie to the world, I can't lie to myself. I miss you. There... I said it and I don't fuckin' care who reads this. More than once do I think of you everyday. And then there are those days when I long for you so... so desperately at times it's a touch scary.

It's hard to believe sometimes that our relationship went on for as long as it did. 15 years... Who'd have thought?! I've known of some marriages which haven't lasted for even a third of that time. And the funny thing is when I first saw you all those many years ago outside college, I didn't really think about it much. I never thought of you in that way at all. It was your blonde cousin who had caught my eye and I was smitten. That ended within a few short months and for the life of me, I just cannot remember how you and I got together in the first place. But the important thing is we did and I thought we'd go on... forever.
They say all good things come to an end but I never thought that would happen to us. And yeah in this case, that old cliche holds so true. "It's not you... it's me." But then it was always me, wasn't it?! I was the weak one whereas you were the strong one. 15 years... and yet it was always a physical thing for you. And here I was foolishly thinking it was more than that. That we connected at different levels. Despite my foolishness, I will admit to missing that intensity in our physical relationship and it is something I will struggle with for time to come...

Your constant presence doesn't make it any easier to deal with our parting. After all, we roam in many of the same circles and so many of your friends are friends with mine and many of mine are friends with yours. That's probably gonna be the most fucked up part of it all besides writing that previous sentence. Seeing all of y'all hang out together is going to almost physically hurt me. And it's not just with the group either.. I have seen you with other men and while I never saw it personally there were enough stories about you with women too. Funnily enough, these things didn't matter when we were together. As long as I had you, I didn't care about anyone else. But now... now seeing you with others...
You know I've seen you sometimes at the local store too. And when I do, I just quickly get my stuff and slink out of these as quickly as I can hoping to avoid another sight of you. And I know you've seen me just as I've seen you. But pride... stupid stupid stupid pride will not let me turn back.

You know what the sad thing in all of this is... Because of you I am not sure if I can hang with Mary anymore. And if this parting between us proves to be harder than expected, Mary's occasional company is something that I will really miss. Such a shame but then it comes down to ego. In the past so many years, I told you only a few times, that if this thing between us breaks down it will be because of my pride and ego. And well that hand has finally played out...
But hey... who's to say that this is the end?! Shayad abhi bhi, thodi picture baaki hai mere dost...

PC users - Hit Control + A now.
Mac users - I don't know what the command for y'all is... oh wait my friend a Mac user just called... Hit Command + A now.

BF has been (relatively) smoke free for about a month now and he misses it dammit. There's lots of inferences in the above post (spot em if you can). I just realised I like talking about myself in the 3rd person. Bear with BF through these times and allow him the pleasure of these little hide n seek games which distract him from the cravings. 

Your dreams are not your own

Dear Chris,

What the fuck were you thinking?!!

Regards,
BF
P.S. - And can I get some of what you're smokin'? Please...?


Just watched Inception last night and Chris Nolan is one twisted guy. I hate revealing anything about good movies so I'm not gonna say much on the plot and whatever else.
Special word on the fight scene in the hotel corridor - This is one of the most compelling bits of action I've seen in a while. The funny thing is when I saw his first Batman, my one gripe was that the close combat scenes were handled very poorly. Nolan has redeemed himself in this particular aspect and how!

This movie, in Ari Gold's words is, "a skull fuck".

Watch it.

You the man, Dad!

ok so the last post was rotting away for a while and I just thought I'd dust it up and put it out there. This brand new post is about whats gone down in the past few weeks.

As my 4 regular readers are aware, I was laid low by ye olde Swine flu for a few days. Apparently my sister picked it up from God-knows-where and then was generous enough to share it with the whole family. The biggest irony of this is that my sis is one of those super paranoid new mothers who wanted to ensure that nothing would make the baal baaka of her precious son, my nephew and so during the Swine flu scare many months ago, would take endless precautions in terms of hygiene and remained housebound for a majority of that time. And sure enough Uncle Murphy comes along to screw things up. So four out of the 5 people in the house at the time are down with the Piggy flu - the only one not affected being Dad.

Being that my sis was in the hospital and then subsequently advised to be in isolation, my nephew was staying with us in the interim. The kid is adorable but like all kids there are times when they get annoying and tiresome. Stop booing! You know I'm right. Despite being away from his mum, I'd say the lil tyke held up remarkably well and I only felt like giving him an ulte haath ka twice in that 2 week period. The monster credit for all this goes to my Dad. At 63, the man is almost exactly twice my age but to see him keep my nephew entertained through all these days would make a younger man, who is almost exactly half his age, quite embarrassed about himself. In many ways the last couple of weeks was an eye opener of what he was like when we were kids. At that age, we of course couldn't remember how he took care of us except for some stray memories. But to see him with my nephew brought back memories from more than 2 decades ago.

He'd play with him, feed him, talk to him, sing silly songs and take him for walks around the building everyday. All those silly songs were usually sung when he'd have to put my nephew to sleep and these are the same songs all of us have heard as kids. There is the odd moment when me or one of my siblings would pass by their room and hear those songs and I know secretly inside we are all smiling and remembering those days of our youth when he'd sing for us too. I remember back in the 80's when we used to stay in the government colony in Bandra East (the non-hip sibling of the Westside which it is even today). Power-cuts were quite frequent in those years in Bombay and I remember many a night when my father would fold up the newspaper and keep the temperature bearable for us by waving it over us right through the night all the while singing those songs.

The songs also take me back to another time. This particular colony we stayed in was located quite close to the notorious Behrampada slums which was a sensitive area back then and to some extent even today. I remember the situation had become particularly tense in 1984 when there were communal riots which took place in Bhiwandi (about 40 kms outside Bombay) and these tensions had spread into areas like Behrampada where the riot police was called in and for a couple of nights everyone staying in a 3 km radius was extremely tense about what would happen if things went out of control. Those few nights were interesting coz the entire family was gathered and sitting on the floor of the living room. As a 6 year old it was interesting only because it meant we were hanging about together at a time when I should be in my room sleeping. Of course it was many years later that I came to know that we spent those evenings and nights sitting on the living room floor to avoid any stone throwing by the rioters or worse stray bullets from the cops.

Anyway back to Pitahshree... I think most kids come to a point in their lives when they realize their father is not the superman they thought him to be. I came to this realization many years ago but every so often he'll pull the odd rabbit out of the hat and stun the hell out of me. There have been so many instances over the year where he's done stuff which any other person would chhati thok ke say, "Yes, I am responsible for such-and-such good thing happening...". But not my dad. I've rarely met someone who chooses to fly as under the radar as he does and in many ways I do the same as well. And therein lies the irony now... from a time when I wanted to be something more and better than the old man, I have in some tiny ways become kind of like him.
A long while ago an ex-colleague of mine and I were drinking one night and he was regaling me with some hilarious stories about his jovial and kinda eccentric dad when he stops in the middle and goes, "Shit man... I've also become just like my father man...". It's like he couldn't believe it and wasn't really sure when exactly he'd started mirroring his dad. I still smile when I remember his slightly baffled expression from that night.

And then I think about what he said in my own context and father and... It's not so bad.
You the man, Dad! :)

To those girls who couldn't keep their hands to themselves

They say I'm not a very emotional kinda guy... (OK so I don't know who 'they' are but I like the fact that they talk about me) and for the longest time they were (are?!?) right. I guess the correct thing to say would be that I am not a very physically demonstrative person when it comes to emotion. Like I know people who dispense hugs like they're going out of fashion but the whole hugging thing took many many years to come to terms with. I think the first time I got properly hugged by a  girl who not a relative I was well into my 20's and if you were to ask bystanders what it looked like, they'd say a tiny smidgen of a girl was sorta molesting a big 6 foot plus dude who had both his arms open and wasn't sure what to do with them.

I figured it might not be a bad idea to bring the hands together and so they did over the years, till a point when a girl hugging me would get comforting pats on the back much like my nephew gets to induce those lil post feed burps. That was a tactic which worked well with the ladies till some drunk night when afore- mentioned patting happened a bit south of the border and was accompanied with the slurry whispers of "Daddy's here". The words didn't matter (or maybe they did a wee bit) but its all in the tone folks. I know this being the killa mc that I now am :)
These days of course I am super comfortable in my own skin to atleast hug my close girl buddies without feeling weird or anything. Like a friend mentioned a long while ago, "You are as big as a bear so make like one and hug me properly!" Yeah... I don't argue when that tone is in play.


I like to analyze why I am the way I am about the hugging thing and it probably goes back to the childhood. Don't get me wrong... the folks were very physically demonstrative with the hugs and kisses (and the odd slap too hah!) when I was a wee lad but all of that stopped once we hit a certain age. And through the years I saw it repeated with my siblings as well. Once we passed the age of 8 or 9 years, no more hugs. Then you go through the formative years without those hugs and add to that studying in an all boys convent setup and then most of your college years in a Muslim college where boys and girls had separate timings and what not and it's not really surprising as to why it took me so long to lose my virginity...


I'd just like to clarify that I'm not emotionally scarred or anything. It is the way it is... For a fair while I was considered anti-social almost because I didn't really interact with the women in the group. The reason being I wasn't sure how to. Let's face it - it's kinda tough when you have weird pre-conceived ideas in your ahead about the opposite sex and so interacting with them becomes something of a mental fight. I'd be too stressed about the whole thing and just chose to shut down and be the strong silent type. Fortunately as the years have gone by I have had the opportunity and pleasure of meeting and befriending some women who are so cool and with whom I can have great conversations and yet be comfortable enough to make stupid bawdy jokes as well.


So this post is for those girls... Those who chose to continue being friends with me... those who saw through the 'strong and silent type' facade and persisted... those that call me almost every other day (even if it is to kill time on their way back home)... those that stay far far away and yet one mention of a distant memory and it feels like it was just yesterday when we met last... those who cook delicious chocolatey delights and then ask me to be the tasting guinea pig... those I don't see for weeks and sometimes months on end and when we eventually do, all that time in between doesn't matter...

To all those girls and for all those hugs... many thanks and much love and respect! 

The One Where Miss Piggy bitchslaps BF

It must be all those Swine flu jokes I cracked in the past.... who knew I'd end up paying for it more than a year later. That's right folks I have just been tested positive for the ole H1N1 virus along with most of the family.

Regular services are expected to resume shortly.


See Australis, told ya it was a doozy! :D

Macchis ki Teeli

1 am and the weekend's around the corner. Not that it matters to people like me who're no longer restrained by the ole corporate leash. Haven't felt like writing in a while and like I was telling someone not too long ago that it kinda surprised me just how long I've been away.
But I'm back... if only for a little while (good lyric this...)

So what can I write about? Perhaps we can do a little rundown on whats been happening in my life recently. Easiest place to tap into for some material. Went for this play on a Friday some weeks ago called Ismat Aapa ke Naam which was 3 one wo/man acts based on the writings of Urdu writer Ismat Chughtai. Funnily enough I was supposed to have gone for an English play on Saturday night but got arm-twisted gently coaxed into attending this one as well. So me who hadn't seen a play in over 15 years finally ended up watching 2 plays on consecutive nights. Sort of...
Patience Gadhadhari Bheem... I shall explain.

Now Ismat Aapa... was enacted entirely in Urdu (and that too the hardcore wtf-did-he-just-say kinda Urdu) as was wished by the director who wanted to stay true to the writings of the author. Well I'd say he succeeded quite admirably coz I understood jack! About 80% of all the dialogue just went flying overhead and I was just about able to get the gist of the overall plot. The first sketch was enacted by Manoj Pahwa whose name you perhaps will not recognise but whose face you certainly will. Now this guy has acted in several Hindi movies off late and falls into what I refer to as the mandatory sidey comic role required in most films these days. The writing is so terrible in today's movies that you automatically vent your ire at actors like Pahwa who're.. well.. just doing what's been written. I was so happy to eat humble pie that night. He is a wonderful performer and, despite obvious personal language barriers, made his act an enjoyable one. And if Pahwa was fun to watch, his wife Seema who followed in the 3rd act was a complete riot. Again someone who is relegated to doing the sidey stuff in Bollywood. These two are truly talents who are wasted on the big screen and walking out into the night I was happy that to have had some preconceived notions shattered that night and also bemused at how much you have to dumb down your craft go to earn your bread and butter...

Now the next day I went to see a famous play called Waiting for Godot. And... I walked out during the interval! It's supposed to be this deep thinking play about the harshness of life and existentialism. There are many levels to it relating to religion, philosophy, politics and psychology as explained by a friend who had come along. But all I could think through 45 minutes that was the first half was, "Ayyeeeee bhaaaaaiiiiii.... apne palle kuch nahi pad raha...". I guess my choice of entertainment over the past many years now veers to anything which either amuses and/or enthralls me and certainly at the very least which I am able to understand quickly enough. Sure there are many ways to interpret a play like this one but it failed to capture my interest which means I will not even bother dissecting it like I would have any book/movie/TV show. I probably come across as less evolved by many who hold this play in high regard. Guilty I suppose but if there's one thing at all that I can be sure about, is that I could probably rewrite that play (the dialogues anyway) and make it atleast a tad more entertaining than it was (for me) that night.
On a positive note, it was pretty cool to watch Naseeruddin Shah and Benjamin Gilani for the first time live. These guys are the big daddys of Indian theatre and yeah while the play itself bored the crap out of me, the performances were pretty darn good. I had no idea till a few days later that Randeep Hooda (he of Monsoon Wedding and D fame) had played the heavily bearded character of Lucky the slave.

In other news, I will doing a little thing on a community radio station with the Madman (he of my other blog fame). We two suave worldly gents will take on the forces of evil and vanquish them resoundingly whilst  rescuing dainty maidens and ride off into the sunset talk about civic issues that are hassling the neighbourhood. Of course with our irreverent spin on it :) We've already been warned about (not) dropping the F-Bomb on the air by our Program Director. So if you're in and around Bandra from the 1st of May, tune into Jago Mumbai 107.8 and give us a listen...

Also joined a band in the recent past although it seems like we barely got together before the bassist had to take off to join his new job and our lead player leaves for the States in August. I really must find people my own age to jam with rather than dudes who're either in/barely out of college. But the good thing is we're planning to do a band within a band side project of acoustic and indie covers. 1 guitar 1 voice kinda thing. The first two songs on the setlist are courtesy the lovely and refreshing Nimbupaani (who ought to put up posts more often but then that'd be the pot doing the proverbial thing) which are Blue October's - Calling you (Acoustic) and Winterpills' Cranky.
And this third one is an Elton John classic covered by My Morning Jacket... I'm not married. In fact I don't even have a significant other and of course no kids either but fuck this song gets to me each time I listen to it. 



I usually try to end on a positive or funny note but not this time... Probably one of the most moving death scenes in Indian cinema, I choked up at THIS scene of a brother losing his sister and couldn't stop the tears from falling especially at 0:23 - 0:31

Track 1 or Track 2?

Like most kids back in the late 90's, I too was a big fan of the wrestling action from WWE featured on Prime Sports (anyone remember Prime Sports?!!). Of course back then it was popularly known as the WWF. And that went on for many a year till the World Wildlife Federation stepped and said, "You indescribably monstrous looking hulks are giving the real animals a bad name... The throbbing of those steriod-pumped veins in the sides of your necks are in fact scaring some of them! So give us our acronym back, McMahon and Co.!"

Now I bring up the matter of the WWE because after years of watching 'real' wrestling, I realised what I found completely fascinating, besides the athleticism of the wrestlers, was how the crowd's reaction could be so easily manipulated with a piece of music. I'm talking about the entry music of the participants which used to (and still does) drive the crowd wild!

Anyway back to the matter at hand which involves a decision of sorts to be made. I am at a stage in my life where I can actually make an entry into an arena (ok so it's a casino on a ship... don't scoff at my inner 14 year old!) accompanied by a piece of entry music.
So check out the two tracks below and tell me which one you like best...

Musically humped

and I don't mean that like when you bump uglies with Boyz II Men playing in the background...

There's a word in eleet known as 'Pwned'. No, eleet or leet or leetspeak isn't a foreign language but it is considered to be an alternative language to English. This 'language' (some might call it a corruption of sorts) was cooked up by the techie community. An example of leet will clear things up adequately (and if it doesn't, forget this long drawn ramble and watch the damn video already... I pity the foo!... (yeah ok just saw the A-Team trailer again today).

Right so back to the example - now the word leet itself would in leetspeak look like 1337 or l33t. Gaming legend has it that 'Pwned' as a word originated from the game Warcraft. When the computer beat a player in the game, the words "Player X has been owned!" were supposed to flash on the screen. But one of the designers screwed up while writing the code and misspelt owned as pwned. Slowly the typo/word took hold in the gamers' lexicon and before you knew pwned meant Perfectly Owned. These days of course while still primarily used by gamers, it has entered mainstream vocabulary case in point, "India totally pwned Bangladesh in the recently concluded test series."

So you might be now asking, BF you blithering twit, what on earth are you going on and on and on about?
Said blithering twit would like to direct your attention to the video below.
Please pay particular attention to 03:12 - 05:55



 Moral of the story - Rahat Fateh Ali Khan pwned Ali Azmat's a$$

Rocket Man

It was late at night. Not surprisingly the stars were not visible at all. What's the point of living on the 11th floor if you can't enjoy the view?! thought Rajeev. But he shouldn't crib... because tonight was New Year's after all and this is what happens on every New Year's eve. The city goes berserk with its crackers and fireworks. He was used to seeing lacs of rupees being set on fire. Damn smog's gonna last for days...

The wind was whistling thru his hair... "It kinda feels nice..." thought Rajeev...
"Hmm... perhaps I fucked up..." and he closed his eyes.


Next day 11am

"Yo man... that was a killer evening last night."
"Yeah dude but I really haven't had much sleep"
"How come?"
"You remember last night before we went to G's house, when we stopped to pick up some munchies and ice, I was talking to a guy outside the shop?! My friend Sanjay's cousin..."
"Haan haan shortish chap with the 'fro like hair... right?!"
"Yeah the weird thing is I had a dream about him the night before and I remembered that while we were talking outside the shop and it felt even more strange...."
"Hmm... that is a pretty strange coincidence."
"And now I am more than a little freaked out coz this morning at 5 am Sanjay calls me to tell me Rajeev's committed suicide. He jumped off the 11th floor of his building..."


Under a blood red sky
A crowd has gathered in black and white
Arms entwined, the chosen few
The newspapers says, says
Say it's true it's true...
And we can break through
Though torn in two
We can be one


I...I will begin again
I...I will begin again

Year of the Tiger (cue in Survivor*)

I'm not very good with resolutions. The last time I made one was a good 7-8 years ago. I think I quit smoking for about 27 hours... does that even count as quitting?! Anyway this year as with most years I didnt give a hoot about making any resolutions but I did promise myself that I would put up a new year (sorta) post in the first month of the year rather than in Feb as I did last year. (in case you're a first time reader, yes, I like writing long sentences and sometimes I write even longer ones in brackets that follow said original sentence... and yeah it can get even longer than this one sometimes).

Speaking of the New Year it was quite a sober affair... for an hour. But yeah it was devoid of the usual shooshaa associated with NY parties. It was a small group of 7 that gathered on a friend G's terrace. The nippy air was a nice change of pace for this city's usual weather and made me feel glad I had an inner tee on.
No! You're the pussy who can't stand the cold!

The libations were flowng... some fantastic grub courtesy G and the reliable if occassionally nutty company of good friends made for a great night. Despite being nice and buzzed, I was reasonably in control of my senses. Unlike last year, where I am not sure how I got from the party venue into bed. (Well I do and if you're reading this... Grazie!)
The highlight of the night had to be the fireworks. The terrace being as high as it was afforded us a great view of the city all round. It was mad seeing fireworks going off at the same time across the city. Will not forget those few minutes in a hurry. Also two of our lady friends who made the night a trifle more interesting... You know who you are ladies and thanks for the show! Woweee!

What's changed in the last year? Been writing a fair bit more... not so much on the blog (in fact i wrote lesser posts than the previous year) but more on the web content side of things. Good to make some spare change for the beer and peanuts. The year ended with the germ of an idea for a project and it has quickly blown up into something which I didn't think was possible. If you have visited the blog recently you know it has to do with poker which I am quite pleased about. There are many pots bubbling or in mid-bubble on many fires and like I was telling S the other night, I am quite possibly feeling the highest levels of creative satisfaction and contentment at this moment in time, which I didn't think was possible when I had a corporate leash on a year and some months ago (see... told you I wrote long sentences).

For a short while I was a tiny bit bummed at not getting adequate attention from the blog world about my writing . But a level headed friend then reminded that the blogger's world is mostly a mutual admiration society. You like someone, comment on their posts and pretty much expect the same treatment back. That hasn't happened for this blog till I realised that this was supposed to be my own space where I could put down what I felt like and not care so much about what others wanted to read. I now remind myself of that everytime these thoughts come into my head. That said, there are some readers who come along and spend a few minutes out of their day here, generally contributing to this blog's tiny amount of traffic and my enormous sense of well-being. Thanks to all 4 of you!

The year gone by had 3 darn good trips. In the initial part of the year, we did a road trip to Goa (last one was 5 years ago) and had a great time there. That was followed by a trip to Bangkok in the middle of the year where I finally got to see the Grand Palaces and the temples. Bloody humid day and heat mein Wat lag gayi! hehe come on... it was right there. How could I possibly resist?! We also spent a couple of days prior in Pattaya as well but were pretty much confined to the hotel room coz there was torrential rains lashing the area which meant no watersports because of the rain and tides. And wouldn't you know it, the day we are to head to Bangkok, the sun is burning hot and the water has receeded 200 metres out. That sucked. But we caught the final of the Wimbledon at one of the local bars when the rain held up one night and that was awesome fun although the alcohol did me in for a while. Never start drinking before the sun sets btw.
The trips for the year ended with Christmas weekend being spent at G's uncle's home in Alibaug. What a lovely location and an equally nice house too. Loved the hammock and the massive game room next door. The trip was also good because my brother was along and its rare that we travel and hang with the other's friends. But they enjoyed themselves as did we all. Taboo is THE game to play when you are more than  few drinks down.

On our last night there I lay in the hammock and gazed at the stars with the music streaming into my ears courtesy the pod. A whole year had gone and I couldn't help reflect on many of the things that were and could have been. As I looked back, it was obvious that the area of concentration for the coming year had to be work. The end of '08 and most of '09 was a time of doing whatever I felt like. It's come to a point now that I will continue to pursue the things I want to do in life and now that the new career is up and kind of running I gotta ride that baby to make me enough money.

So I'm gonna sign off by saying Happy New Year and as we head into 2010, I wish for good things to happen for you.
Wish the same for me too ok?! :)

*I used to be Glen once