25.7.10

Dear Red...

It's been close to a month since you've left my life and while I might lie to the world, I can't lie to myself. I miss you. There... I said it and I don't fuckin' care who reads this. More than once do I think of you everyday. And then there are those days when I long for you so... so desperately at times it's a touch scary.

It's hard to believe sometimes that our relationship went on for as long as it did. 15 years... Who'd have thought?! I've known of some marriages which haven't lasted for even a third of that time. And the funny thing is when I first saw you all those many years ago outside college, I didn't really think about it much. I never thought of you in that way at all. It was your blonde cousin who had caught my eye and I was smitten. That ended within a few short months and for the life of me, I just cannot remember how you and I got together in the first place. But the important thing is we did and I thought we'd go on... forever.
They say all good things come to an end but I never thought that would happen to us. And yeah in this case, that old cliche holds so true. "It's not you... it's me." But then it was always me, wasn't it?! I was the weak one whereas you were the strong one. 15 years... and yet it was always a physical thing for you. And here I was foolishly thinking it was more than that. That we connected at different levels. Despite my foolishness, I will admit to missing that intensity in our physical relationship and it is something I will struggle with for time to come...

Your constant presence doesn't make it any easier to deal with our parting. After all, we roam in many of the same circles and so many of your friends are friends with mine and many of mine are friends with yours. That's probably gonna be the most fucked up part of it all besides writing that previous sentence. Seeing all of y'all hang out together is going to almost physically hurt me. And it's not just with the group either.. I have seen you with other men and while I never saw it personally there were enough stories about you with women too. Funnily enough, these things didn't matter when we were together. As long as I had you, I didn't care about anyone else. But now... now seeing you with others...
You know I've seen you sometimes at the local store too. And when I do, I just quickly get my stuff and slink out of these as quickly as I can hoping to avoid another sight of you. And I know you've seen me just as I've seen you. But pride... stupid stupid stupid pride will not let me turn back.

You know what the sad thing in all of this is... Because of you I am not sure if I can hang with Mary anymore. And if this parting between us proves to be harder than expected, Mary's occasional company is something that I will really miss. Such a shame but then it comes down to ego. In the past so many years, I told you only a few times, that if this thing between us breaks down it will be because of my pride and ego. And well that hand has finally played out...
But hey... who's to say that this is the end?! Shayad abhi bhi, thodi picture baaki hai mere dost...

PC users - Hit Control + A now.
Mac users - I don't know what the command for y'all is... oh wait my friend a Mac user just called... Hit Command + A now.


BF has been (relatively) smoke free for about a month now and he misses it dammit. There's lots of inferences in the above post (spot em if you can). I just realised I like talking about myself in the 3rd person. Bear with BF through these times and allow him the pleasure of these little hide n seek games which distract him from the cravings. 

6 comments:

Australis said...

Good luck...I've been down this road. And I've been smoke-free for 2 years now (barring a couple of lapses on particularly drunken nights!).

It gets easier, I promise.

Blackfayth said...

sigh...

Too late... I am an idiot.

shenanigans said...

Ok, I'm having a blond moment and am totally confused!

Blackfayth said...

Well I had quit smoking for almost a month when I'd written this post.

And a couple of days after the post was put up I started again... aargh!
Hence the idiot comment.

Nimbupaani said...

Hahah so back to smoking like a 'Shehensha'?
Well get back to the quitting program. Coz i'd rather have you live longer!!!

shenanigans said...

You can totally do it.