Chuckles n Giggles

The Madman's cracked me up recently with these three...

Q. How do you know an auto-mechanic's just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. How do you piss off a female archeologist?
A. Hand her a used tampon and ask her which period it came from.

and my personal favourite...

Q. What is common between spaghetti and girls?
A. They both wiggle and squirm when you eat 'em.

Binomial Expansion... or some such crap

Well I never claimed to be a Math genius. In fact I'd failed a year in college becoz of it.

(*Gasp* nahhiiiiiiiiiii... humne socha ladka acha hai... padha-likha hai....)

While this isn't mine, the important thing is it could have been... we're the same this lad and I... and its not just because we share the same moniker.

Chain kuli ki Mail kuli

Didn't go to the office today coz eating seekh kababs, butter chicken and guzzling beer till 2 am just might leave a feeling of utter Gaaaaaaarrrrhhhhh (this is the medical term for it) when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning. One of those f*ck-it-I'm-staying-home days...

So I was going thru some of my olde mails in my inbox and came across a couple that made me grin thru my State of GAAAAAARRRRRRHHHH. Here being posted for your (and mine) reading pleasure...

Backstory - This chain mail began with The Editor (henceforth to be referred to as Ed) sending a link to a Poem which i really couldn't understand too much of since it was kinda shudh Hindi. So I fire the first of the chain (of emails... are you paying any attention?!?)

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BLACKFAYTH- yo Ed, I think I speak for quite a few people marked on this mail who are quite Hindi-challenged. Pls to provide Eeeengleess translation (I know I know… the “flavour” will be lost etc etc but I only understood Pushp = flower… pls tell me that’s right :o)

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ED - It’s about the wishes of flowers… They are telling us not use them for any sort of decorative or commemorative purposes. Their only wish ever is to be scattered on to the paths on which will/are march/marching those fearless soldiers who guard the borders of our country, lay down their lives for us and hence keep us safe.
Another meaning is that the flowers want to be on paths that are tread by those who are the true fearless guardians of all that is truly good. Not all that is true or good for convenience.
(yeah Ed's quite the patriotic softy)

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SING SING STAR - Why are we translating ? Hindi is our mother tongue and we should all be able to read/write/comprehend it!
MIND IT!

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BLACKFAYTH - Er… Hindi isnt my Mother tongue… its Mallu. Not that I know too much of that anyway… all Bombay-ites know a hybrid form of the national language… its like the Toyota Prius of Hindi – a suitable tongue for the melting pot that is this city. Only we understand it…

Pls to see what I mean from below example:-

Giving directions:-
“A” standing at Pot Pourri wants to know from “X” how to get to Carter road…

A: oh Bhaisaab, yeh Carter road kidhar aaya?
Oh Brother Sir (or the Jamaican variant - Oh Brother maaan) this Carter road where it comes?

X: Yeh saamne wala road pakdo… seedha seedha nikalo… pehla left mein bada garden padega… usko chhod ke seedha jao… aagey jaake doosra garden right pe girta hai… uske Just baad right maaro… bas Carter road saamne… yahan se 222 mein ghuso toh pahunch jaoge tapad tope.
Catch this front-side road… straight straight come out… inside first left big garden will be put…. Leaving that (alt. – f*ck that) go straight… going ahead second garden falls on the right… Just (this is important coz even this dude needs you to know he’s cosmo enough use just that wee bit of the Queen’s language) after that hit right… there’s Carter road in front… from here get inside (Bus no:) 222, then you will be reaching pronto.

Alright so I’m fully faltu and just waiting for 6pm…

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Warning!!! *shameless plug via fan-mail ahead*

SING SING STAR - Pete, if you made that whole thing up on your own… it’s a crime to keep such talent hidden! You are born to be a stand up comedian!

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Warning!!! *more shameless plugging*

MK - Dude you’re recognizing his talent today??? I have been telling him this since forever!!!!
But he’d rather do adsales.

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BLACKFAYTH - *blushing* oh stop now…

Dazed and Confused

Heading home from work today, I felt a lightness that I haven’t felt in a long time now. I had a slight grin on my face through out the ride, which left my cab-sharing colleague a little concerned about my mental state.

Couple of issues in my life have been creating havoc and mentally I am tired... just soooo damn tired. One of them being work... rather my lack of interest in what I have been doing for the past 4 years now in my present company.
S'funny that after 8 years of working in sales in different industries I come to a realization - I really don’t wanna be doing what I do. OK so maybe it isn’t all that funny. Ironic probably would be a better word I suppose. Actually I came to this particular conclusion sometime ago – 4 years ago to be exact (... wait a minute!).

So of course, like any sane individual who has no clue where his career is going, I clamped it down and promptly joined sales in a media company thinking probably the change of industry would be what would cure my ails. 52 months later and I get the distinct feeling that God who’s probably lying sprawled on his Divine Couch (that’s right! It IS called that!) smoking his spliff, slowly wagging his finger going, “Toldja ya maaaaann…”.
Yes I do need to work out my religious issues but c’mon you gotta admit God as a spliff smokin’, dreadlock bearing Rasta would look waaayyy cool.

So why am I grinning like a fool? Coz I told them I’m gonna quit. Its incredible once I did it, the feeling I got. Its all doom and gloom in the work-place these days anyhow what with team changes, new bosses, insufficient hikes and below par incentives. All I could think about was the fact that I was free. That feeling was quickly followed by, “You #*%$ing idiot!! What are you going to do now???”

Still I feel liberated. Maybe it was time to move from this place anyhow. I’ve never been one for making close friends from work but I did make a couple here. Ever since they left, this place hasn’t been the same again. Time to move on… into the unknown once again.

Which reminds me - I haven’t given an interview in four years. Damn! I wonder if they still ask those same bullshit questions – “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” “Sitting in my million dollar apartment overlooking Waikiki and sucking down Mai Tais, thinking about when I wanna take my private jet to the Bellagio to play some high stakes with Daniel, Gus, Phil and the rest of the boys”. Idiota!

And so the hunt begins…

Communication Breakdown

Hey you,

I'm hoping you will read this and understand…

Agonised over speaking to you before you went to Singapore. Been agonizing since you came back. I get the feeling you've been avoiding me as much as I've been avoiding you.
I just wanna say I'm sorry. I tried to be only a friend... I really did. I thought I was strong enough to do it on my own and still be in touch with you, meet you on a regular basis, exchanges sms-es, chat online... But despite everything, everytime we'd meet or speak to each other, there's that irrational side of me that wants something more.
A hope… a wish … that something more will come out of this... something more than friendship. But you'd made things clear and I wish it was as easy as switching it off. But its not. For the time being atleast, I can't be "just friends" with you.

Don't think I don't value what we have. I do… you are a friend. one who has grown very close and far faster than anyone else I've met in the recent past. To such a degree that when I used to initially think about it, it almost made me feel uneasy but then I'd picture that sweet smile, and that totally cute way your chin would quirk when you'd think about something or pester me about stuff, and everything would be OK. So believe me when I say I feel like a complete a**hole telling you that I need to cut myself off. Some weird kinda cold turkey for the drug that is you :) I told you then it was my problem and I will get over you but it wasn't easy doing that while still being in touch. I guess I will get around my feelings for you eventually. But I know, as of right now, I don't want to….

I'm not sure how long it will take... you told me once you'd stop speaking to me if that's what I wanted. And when I asked how you'd feel if I did ask you to, you said cry for a bit and then try and get on with it. I laughed it off then and was all like "are you nuts?? I wouldn't ask something like that of you." I wasn't lying then… but then I didn't think it would be this hard. But now I'm asking it of you… and don't be sad or anything and PLEASE don't cry. I couldn't bear the thought of that…

Wanna know something funny?! You keep bringing back that introverted, tongue-twistedup side of me that I used to be many many years ago… I couldn't bring myself to say all of this to you if you were standing right now in front of me… I don't think I could even bring myself to look into your eyes. You'd keep asking me once in a while why I was looking at you and smiling a secret smile. This is the reason – I just couldn't say anything in those moments. Tongue-tied by the presence of you...

There will come a time when I will get past this. I only ask that you give me a chance to be your friend again then….

xOx


PS - David Gray says it so much better.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EYribhLoPA&feature=related

Dream Police

I haven't been sleeping well over the past two weeks… on most of these nights I have had some weird dreams. Two which stand out are the hoverboard dream and the unknown woman dream.

Hoverboard
It’s a city scene. Feels like Bombay coz I could see/feel the same kind of crowd. I think I’m near a railway station (Churchgate or maybe its V.T) just looking towards the street watching people go up and down heading to work. The thing is they aren’t walking. All of them are on hoverboards… for those who haven’t seen Back to the Future, hoverboards look exactly like skateboards but no wheels, they hover hence err… hoverboards.
Suddenly the view changes. Now I’m seeing things from ground level. Its like as if there’s a tiny camera attached to the board and I’m seeing life thru the eyes of the hoverboard. The view wobbles a bit, I see a foot move over me and I realise we (me the hoverboard and the owner of me) are going somewhere…. Zipping around I see people’s feet… hubcaps… exhaust fumes from cars… potholes…


Woman
There’s a woman on the bed. She is lying on her side… naked… I can see she is asleep. She seems to be at peace as I see the swell of her breast rise and fall with her gentle rhythmic breathing. I can't see her face but she has wonderful hair. There is a fragrance which emanates from her hair (or is it her?!) arousing and serene at the same time. There is someone lying next to her, I think it's me. I keep stroking her arm from her shoulder to her elbow. I move closer to her and spoon with her. My hand slides over from her hip to her belly. Its got just that tiny tiny hint of chubbiness I love. I know I’m smiling in the dream (and in the conscious part of my brain) as I spread my fingers over her belly and draw her ever so close. Experience a feeling of utmost security in that moment. I look over her shoulder and instead of seeing the bedroom walls I see scenes from my life… past… present… future (?!)

I used to have dreamless sleep but in the past couple of years I’ve begun having more and more of them. When I get up in the morning I don’t remember what I’d dreamt about but I know I have had a dream. Strangely enough there have hardly been any nightmares (which I’m thankful for). It's been more like watching random reels of different movies… I’m left with an almost empty feeling the next morning because they invariably leave me hanging… I never seem to get closure.

I’m rarely able to remember my dreams but I did remember these two. Don't know what it was that made them stand out. Maybe someone can interpret them… I read somewhere that while one is conscious if something affects them it usually plays out in their dreams. I’ve had dreams in the past which I try to relate with something I’ve seen or done in the recent past. But the only connect for the hoverboards is Back to the Future which I havent seen in the past few years. I really can’t understand the second dream… can’t think of a connect… even some of the porn I’ve seen recently doesn’t contain any “tender” moments :D

I think I’ll go and renew my friendship with my good buddy Ben A Dryl. Sleep I crave thee desperately… even if it is drug-induced :)

Post title courtesy Cheap Trick - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWt-zxKqK3U
To my mystery dreamgirl - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY-lMhbvhlI

F.R.I.E.N.D.S & Fakers

A couple o nights back I was sitting with a few friends at Land’s End. These would be The Banker, the Miner, the Fund Manager (a.k.a. Madman) and me. Hmmm not quite unlike… “the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker” but we ARE all knaves lol)
The Atrium Lounge is a regular haunt for the Madman and I, but we hadn’t been frequenting it as much as we used to in the past. By the time we were half way thru the evening, we’d decided that this situation must be rectified for the future.

So I’m swigging away at my pint when these guys start off on the stock market and how wild a roller coaster ride its been on lately. Now I’ll be the first to admit that the world of high finance is one that, on good days, confounds the heck out of me. My only interest in it is getting some dope from these well-informed guys and putting away some of my money hoping to strike it rich a few years down the line. As the conversation goes on, I feel like one of the spectators at Wimbledon. Back and forth, financial jargon is being slapped around and I’m just about struggling to keep up with these guys… kind of. Risk-reward scenarios, arbitrage opportunities, P/E ratios, Beta levels, Commodities markets, Hedge funds, Libor…
Game and Set to M/s Financial Wizards.

You might remember an episode from Friends where Penn Jillette guest stars as an encyclopedia salesman from whom Joey buys just the one volume (“V”) coz he had only that much money on him. I really felt that scene where Joey flashes back to the times when his friends are having discussions on various topics and he plays along even though he has absolutely no clue on what they’re going on about. Well I was Joseph Tribiani that evening.
On the one hand I felt like 6 different kinds of dumb, on the other I was quite proud to be friends with these incredibly smart guys. The best part about all of them is they’d never rub this into someone’s face. The Banker very kindly explained to me some of the jargon whenever I looked lost (which was a lot that evening).
As I went home that evening, it struck me that while I will never be a Gordon Gecko, I have become just that little bit smarter by just being a fringe participant to these conversations. I’ve always thought of myself as a Jack-of-all-trades conversation-wise. I know a little bit about many things. Although these things needn't be all that relevant on a day-to-day perspective.
My head’s filled with the most obscure info about the most arbid of things. Like if you listen to Michael Jackson’s Beat It, just before Eddie Van Halen begins that fantastic guitar solo, you’ll hear 6 fairly rapid beats like as if the drummer played the toms. But its actually a studiohand who mistakenly knocked on the door when Eddie was in session. Quincy Jones the producer thought it worked and included it in the final cut of the song. See… obscure like I said… but it makes for a cool story at a party.

I can usually hold my own in a conversation whether I contribute to it or not and I think a large part of that comes from having friends like these.

Quote of the Night:-
After an intense and animated low-down by the Banker to the rest of us regarding certain financial houses and the way they make their money, the Madman lets out a big sigh and goes, “Man, I think I got a chubby.”

Fun Fact:-
Las Vegas is the brightest city when seen from space. (for those of you who know me, me knowing this particular fact shouldn't surprise you lol)

The Dark Knight Cometh…

Lots been on my mind past couple of days so haven't had the time to put down a few lines. But I felt I had to write something about the movie that is for me is THE blockbuster of the first half of ’08. I’d seen the movie on release day (18th July) itself and actually wanted to write about it right after I got home but held off keeping in mind there were many more fans of The Detective (yeah baby old school – if you’re a DC comics fan you’ll understand why I’m calling him that). And aside from my 2 readers, I didn’t want to upset anyone who hadn't caught the movie yet and possibly stumbled onto my cyber scribble page. I think almost everyone who is a fan has seen the movie within the week of release.

As a kid, my favorite superhero was Spidey – probably a lot to do with those cartoons that they used to show on Doordarshan. It was only much later when I started reading DC and Marvel comics, that I gained a deeper appreciation for the wise-cracking superhero that he is. Yeah wise-cracking! I really liked the first installment but by the third, the character had turned into a pussy. In that lag period of my childhood between superheroes I came across Batman. I don’t know why but I almost immediately liked (and for some reason) identified with the character. No! My parents weren't killed while we were returning from the theatre one evening.
Often movies tend to gloss over Superheroes especially those with a darker element to them. But not Chris Nolan. He knew exactly the way this character needed to be portrayed and boy, was this film ever so dark. Heath Ledger was outstanding in his role as The Joker. He truly captured the essence of the character – a psychotic madman who’s only motive was carnage and chaos. I’d read somewhere that he’d locked himself up in a hotel room for a month to get into the skin of the character.

Perhaps that’s why the villains in Batman were scarier than most. Base motivations like money aside, all the devastation they’d plot was only to create and instill that horrific sense of fear amongst the public at large. In some cases, the motive was almost noble – like Ra’s Al Ghul, an Eco-terrorist wanting to obliterate everyone on earth so he could create an environmentally perfect world.

Few things in this world are more painful than enduring the loss of your child but perhaps when the Ledger family sees Heath in all his glory playing one of the ultimate villains of comic-lore, they may feel heartened just a little that while their son has gone, he will never be forgotten. A memorable legacy befitting a fine performance.

I’ve put down some of my fave quotes from the movie:-

• I use a knife because guns are too quick. Otherwise, you can't savor all the emotions. You know who people are in their last moments…
• This town deserves a better class of criminal... and I'm gonna give it to them. Tell your men they work for me now. This is MY city.
• Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, We're tonight's entertainment!!!
• You remind me of my father, I hated my father.
• Some men are not trying to be logical. They can't be bought, bullied or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
• Either you die a Hero.... or u live long enough to see yourself turn into a Villain...
• See, to them you're just a freak....like me....
• Whatever that doesn't kill you will only make you stranger. (one of my faves too. Thanx for the reminder Shutterbug)
• Why so serious...??!!
  
  
  
  R.I.P

Heath “The Joker” Ledger

Of Pune... the rains and good singers

Got back after spending the weekend at S's place on the outskirts of Pune. Its been a while since we'd gone there in the rains. You keep reading about how sweet the earth smells after it rains. This is one of two places (the other being Kerala) where I have experienced this. As I stepped out of the car, that fresh delightful mixture of gorgeous scents - the rain, the earth and the grass just assailed my senses. Heady. if I could bottle the damn thing, I'd be so rolling in the green!

Rant section - Finally!! The guys in charge of the Bombay-Pune expressway have done something right. They've got the pricing rounded off on the expressway toll. On the various trips I've taken to Pune via the expressway, the one thing that always got my goat were some of the signs put up at the toll nakas. I mean, why do you charge an absurd figure like Rs.118 or Rs.127 and then put up signs like "Coin Problem - Please tender exact change". Make it 120 or 130... any even number and then keep the relevant amount of change with you. A few bucks is hardly going to matter to people. Just save them the headache of having to rummage around in their bags, purses or dashboards. (Fyi the toll's 140/- but the annoying sign is there!)

My second rant has to do with the sheer dearth of good (maybe the word I'm looking for is honest) programming we have on Indian television. There we were chilling out and the plan was to imbibe a few glasses of white spirit and take in some entertainment on the idjit box. Specifically SaReGaMaPa on Zee TV. We were also switching between commercials to STAR Plus where the finale of Jo Jeeta Wohi Superstar was going on. SaReGaMa is an eye-opener to the singing talent we have in this country. Wow! What fantastic singers. There was this Surd kid no more than 18 (looked like he was 15 tho) who had such a superb and mature singing voice. Again Wow! And the episode we were watching was the one where someone would be eliminated from the leftovers who didn't make it to the 2nd round in their first attempt the previous week. After hearing some of these voices it was hard to believe they didn't make it through the first time around.

On the other hand, Jo Jeeta... was a huge disappointment. Not in terms of the singing quality (they had Abhijeet Sawant & Rahul Vaidya in the final three), not in the matter of Mandira "look-into-my-cleavage" Bedi shouting herself hoarse while calling out the title sponsor of the show every 17.3 seconds. My main gripe - it wasn't live!!! I thought this was supposed to be a singing contest. How the hell can you lip-sync in a competition?!?!? I'm 99.99% certain that the singers did the original takes in a studio and this was what's played during the television airing of the event. They may or may not have sung live during the show but after which it was definitely overlayed with the studio takes. Now I fancy myself to have a voice and so I like to sing every so often (The beast often manifests itself during drunken karaoke). What I like just as much is to hear good singers sing live. Which is provided in spades by SaReGaMa (could do with a little less of the melodrama by the judges but thats forgivable. TRPs and all that - trust me I'm in the business) but I feel duped when I see shows like JJWS. At the end of it all, Rahul Vaidya won it. But did he actually?? I'm not denying his talent. I mean this is the guy of whom Sonu Nigam said during Indian Idol Part Un, "It's a good thing you didn't start playback earlier else I would be hard up for work". But there has to be a shadow of a doubt (at least for me) on whether his performance was the better one of the two. how can anyone prove that it was he who actually deserved it?

The pressure of singing live, the audience around you, the necessity to hit every single note the way it should be and to add "feel" to it all CANNOT be done while prancing around with the other contestants/judges/hosts/guests etc. As they hit those magical goose bumpy notes in their songs, a couple of the SaReGaMa singers looked like they were about sh*t their pants. That's the kind of intensity you need to possess while delivering one of those standing ovation type of performances. It sucks that a regular singing show has been turned into a soap of sorts.

Jaan gaye...

So I watched Jaane Tu… Ya Jaane Na over the weekend and all I can say is Imraan Khan is a very lucky young man. To have Aamir Khan as the guy who’s in charge of Mission Launch must be heartening at the very least.
It also helps that Imraan has decent acting chops. A great launch pad is worth squat if you have no skill/talent to back it up. He’s here to stay and if he’s smart about his projects, like his uncle, he will do extremely well in the industry. Genelia (for some reason I keep imagining her name to be genitalia and giggle… I’m a sick man) is a bright spark amongst the newer crop of actresses I’ve seen thus far. There is something quite fresh about her. I can’t quite put my finger on it but girl’s got spunk. She does however need to improve her diction if she intends to do mature roles in the future.

Ratna Pathak Shah – Just one word, Classy. The two brothers in the movie were pretty good in their parts which begs the question – why the f*%# don’t they act just as well in their solo projects?!?! Another thing that I really liked were the fresh faces and talents which made up the friends circle of the leads. Prateik Babbar was good in his role as the girl’s angst-ridden lonely artist brother. One of the best lines in the movie (the chooha wala – “No, we’re just friends”) comes from him. It took me a whole second to register the quip because I’m just not used to hearing that kind of dialogue in a Hindi movie. Good stuff.
There were a few clichéd moments in the film which I’m not sure were necessary. But like my friend Sam says, its all about establishing the character/s.
Overall a pretty good directorial debut but Abbas Tyrewala’s problem will be his next few movies. His writing talent was pretty obvious after watching Munnabhai, Main Hoon Na etc. Now he’s kinda raised the bar with this film and will need to come through bigger and better in his next effort.

On a side note – while I haven’t seen it (and have no intention to), Lovestory 2050 has been ripped to shreds by all critics. Having become friends with an upcoming actor in the recent past, I feel for the newer lot because that one Friday pretty much determines your fate in this industry. Apparently two years of work have gone into Lovestory 2050. All of it to be flushed down the toilet come release day. Of course there is no excuse if the final product is just plain bad but there is still hope for the individual actor. Case (or rather two cases) in point – Ajay Devgan and Saif Ali Khan. I can still remember that awful day when I sat there watching Veeru Devgan’s lil boy in the opening shot of the movie, zooming into the college doing a full-split astride two motorbikes. I believe I’d busted a rib that day laughing as hard as I did. And Saif Ali Khan who I thought was the gayest dude back in the day (the day being a Saturday sometime in 1993… damn! Was that 15 years ago?! Ugh I’m old). I mean not only was this guy effeminate but he sounded like someone yanked his voicebox back as he was about to hit puberty. Both these gentlemen did some fairly ordinary and some downright dreadful “films” but persistance and hard work have made them into two of the most saleable stars of today. RGV ki Aag and Race fall into the Those-we-shall-not-speak-of bracket.

Finally, AR Rahman is a freak! How does one guy keep doing this film after film?!?!! I’m a big fan of his music but over the years, there’s this perverse side of me that wants to hear him make something baaaad (I know I know… my brain is circuited in a weird way). But the genius of the man is that he continues to disappoint that side of me every time. He’s got this ability to capture the right moods and pick the right voices for any song (including his own).

To quote Wayne & Garth, “We’re not worthy!!”